Breasts, Buttocks and Valentines

Breasts, Buttocks and Valentines

The evolution of human sexuality is complex as well as mysterious. In fact, the general pervasiveness of binary sex in both the animal as well as the plant world is poorly understood. The best explanation is that exchanged mixing of genetic material between two members of the same species produced a higher probability of progressive evolution. It also gave better odds at survival than would have been possible by parthenogenetic reproduction, in which there would be no variation in the gene pool.

Prototypical examples occur even at the level of bacteria that exchange genetic material, or bacterial cells that become invaded by other species of bacteria or virus particles that sometimes become incorporated into the host cells DNA. This subsequently assists the host to evolve into an organism that is completely uniquely different and is one of the mechanisms bacteria utilize to acquire antibiotic resistance or how they evolved mitochondria.

There are however a few examples of beneficial direct linear reproduction. Yeast can reproduce by fission which allows them to be maintained at a brewery in a pure DNA status as long as any particular strain is not exposed to another one. This accounts for why certain premium beers, rums and whiskeys always taste the same and why the liquor companies that own them keep these strains under tight security.

It’s a chicken and the egg argument however, because whatever the original reason, binary sex is simply the way that life on earth has evolved; so like it or not, we are stuck with it. Perhaps one day when the perfect human evolves we can halt sexual reproduction, launch a worldwide eugenics program, and simply keep cloning the bastard-bitch. Hopefully that perfection will not be defined by whatever cloning project director as being a lazy rum-head, or as Hitler attempted in World War II, as a Teutonic aggressive blond-haired-blue-eyed Aryan.

At least on one level, the evolution of binary sexuality in the great apes included the proclivity to have intercourse on a very frequent basis; thus making one interesting feature about many of the great apes the fact that they can be notoriously promiscuous as well as very sexually active. Certain species of monkeys have sexual intercourse multiple times on a daily basis. Because of this, human mothers always have to be circumspect when they bring their small children to the zoo; because in the monkey house male masturbation and coitus is a significant part of the denizen’s ordinary daily routines. In fact in the entire world of mammals the great apes are probably the only group in which the female of the species is continuously sexually receptive to the male. This means there are essentially no specified rutting seasons in which copulation only occurs once or twice a year; as it does with almost every other mammalian species. There might even be little reasonable argument to promote the institution of marriage if humans only had sex once a year, although for some poor souls it can sometimes boil down to that.

There should be no surprise then that many Homo sapiens, the greatest ape of all, exhibit similar characteristics to those observed by their close furry cousins; as they are carried over a wide spectrum of sexual activity. Female apes uniformly mate with the male entering from behind, the so-called “doggie style” and do not mate on a face-to-face basis. One of the reasons for this is that when female apes are ovulating there are changes in the color and size of their genitalia that then becomes the triggering mechanism for the male. He always has a rear view from behind the female whose usual posture is by perambulation on all fours. Male monkeys are basically attracted to the visual cues imbued by looking at the rump.

For human beings as a general rule of thumb, the face-to-face missionary position has replaced the rear entry position; or at least is probably alternated on a relatively frequent basis with the rear entry position. However, the missionary sexual position only co-evolved as an extension of the fact that humans themselves evolved to be bi-pedal, to stand upright and then to essentially conduct all of its business as a species by face to face social interaction instead of doggy style nose to nose or nose to rump. In fact, humans and Bonobos are the only mammals that mate face to face.

As for the human male, then, his visual cues can and certainly still do originate by the stimulation of looking at a female’s derriere.

But many scientists who study human evolution have also come to believe that because of face-to-face socialization, the female breast has developed as a frontal visual cue that replaces the cue engendered by the derriere. This may explain in part why large breasts, in the absence of lactation, are so appealing to many men, why breast augmentation has become a commonplace plastic surgical procedure and also why over time the mammalian tendency to have multiple teats has been selected out in the human species. This phenomenon is suggested by the fact that humans do retain a rudimentary mammilla line that runs down each side of the anterior chest wall and why occasionally a person will be born with an extra nipple or two or even one or more extra supernumerary breasts.

Putting it another way, the female breast is in reality a substitute for visual cues innately triggered by the buttocks. Thus when a man goes crazy over a lovely pair of breasts he is in reality going literally ape-shit over an evolutionary transposed set of butt cheeks that now reside neatly on the anterior chest wall.  Logically then, when some chauvinistic oaf rudely states that he is a tit man and not an ass man, he could be politely corrected by having his mistake pointed out to him; if you really care to waste the time or worse have him then just look at you like you are completely crazy.

This point of view also makes some sense because nearly all-quadruped female mammals only develop breasts when they are pregnant because in practical terms they then have to deliver milk to their offspring. An exception to this rule would be the case of animals that are milked for sale and profit; but then again the human equivalent here would be the continuously milking wet-nurse.

Double breasted human female evolution also makes sense if you think about the fact that not too many men would be thrilled by a set of three breasts sitting side by side or going out with a woman only to discover later that she had a six-sling bra hiding a double line of breasts reaching all the way down to her groin. Or perhaps it is only as simple as the fact that as opposed to a dog, for example, most human litters only involve having one puppy at a time and not six or eight. In any event, except as having evolved purely as a sexual attracting cue to the male, there is absolutely no practical reason that the human female requires a large set of mammary glands.

Also generally speaking in most animal domains the females of any given species are smaller than the males and very much less colorful or less outfitted with accoutrements like giant antlers, tusks or colorful feathering, which in these cases allow the males to battle it out on the rutting fields for supremacy and mating rights or, au contraire to the human species, causes the female to be mostly attracted by male visual cues.

It must be nice to be a demure, nondescript doe-like creature that just ruminates on her cud while the entire cadre of young bucks tough it out by smashing their heads together; after which she just sidles up to the winner and lets him ride her sexually receptive rutting rump.

The antediluvian human equivalent example of the breeding winner would be the large brutish male who reigns victorious in the bar-room “brawl over the broad” or perhaps would be the guy who has the biggest penis; whereas in the modern era although these rules still tend to apply; now the male with the biggest brain that he uses to make the most money, often comes out on top. This is why nebbishes like Woody Allen or nerds like Bill Gates can get all the pussy they want just by snapping their fingers, whereas in a cave man hierarchy the only snapping sound would have been that of their necks being broken by the alpha male of the pod.

And even though it is a fact that a human males’ attraction to a female is definitively more visually cued than related to atmospheric nasally inhaled pheromones; for some reason the cosmetic, perfume and deodorant industries have convinced the human female that these enhancements are both sufficient as well as necessary to help the cause. The trap: hair and nail salons, drawers full of cosmetics, high heeled shoes, plastic surgeons, fashion icons, racks of clothes, hair extensions and shopping malls.

I beg to differ. Biology alone dictates that all women would at some point or other eventually get laid despite the perfume, the coif, the nail job, the lipstick, the eyeliner and the hairspray. Even the fat, the plain, the ugly and the stupid women somehow find a way to attract a male and, worse to reproduce; as witnessed by the everyday proof of seeing them walking down the street with a child or two in tow. Not that the male they reproduced with wasn’t fat, plain, ugly, or stupid himself.

Speaking for myself, I happen to believe that the human female form is divinely beautiful and that there is nothing on this earth better than  nicely shaped breasts and a perfectly shaped derriere, which relegates me to the category of being purely neither a tit or an ass man but being totally unbiased in favor of both. Taking it one step further, I was always curious about the heart shaped messages that seem to go along with Valentines Day, along with every one else who was brainwashed from childhood into believing that the whole idea of love, came from the heart, resides in the heart and lives in the heart. Everyone now subscribes to the idea that this day was specially made to celebrate the idea of romantic love.

But as is usually the case and similar to the Church taking the Roman pagan festival of Saturnalia and turning it into the Feast of Christmas, so has the original concept of Valentines day undergone its own specially perverted, commercialized permutation over time. The day was originally intended to honor the memory of a semi-mythical early Christian martyr, Saint Valentine. It simply replaced a Roman festival known as Lupercalia that was celebrated between the dates of February 13th to the 15th. This original pagan festival was intended to be a period of time dedicated to urban purification and the renewal of health and fertility.

As a sidebar, even the concept of the holy figures of Jesus, Mary and all the saints walking around with halos on their heads was something stolen by the early Catholic Church from the ancient Egyptians whose important or royal figures always had this symbol of the sun adorning their graphic representations. This usurpation was carefully and subliminally designed to eliminate the emotional trauma associated with forcing people to entirely give up all their old beliefs when they subscribed to the new one; which ultimately made the transitions somewhat more palatable. Saint Valentine himself had nothing at all to do with the concept of romantic love, an idea that became attached to this particular Saint’s commemoration only as a contrivance in the Middle Ages when people began to use the day as a vernacular point in time to express affection and love towards one another by the exchange of cards and tokens.

It seems that Geoffrey Chaucer was the inspiration to create this idea when writing in his “Parlement of Foules” a line that in referring to avian behavior in the springtime, fails to even mention human beings at all.

For this was sent on Valentines Day; When every bird cometh there to choose his mate

Even now, the day has become mundanely generic because almost nobody refers to the “Saint” portion anymore and simply calls it “Valentines Day,” without an apostrophe “s”, making the fact completely forgotten that it commemorates a person who was an ersatz fictional concoction sublimating several personas into a single entity. No one knows what this hybrid character really did to deserve all this attention in the first place. Some people I know go even further in its corruption and refer to it with the complete misnomer Valen-times Day, meaning that it must be time for a few good old fashioned Valens. Sic and good riddance: the Catholics have enough Saints on their calendar anyway.

However as a child growing up one thing I could never reconcile in my mind was why the heart received so much attention as a symbol of romantic love. The anatomical heart itself looks nothing at all like the shape we have come to accept as its representation on our Valentine’s Day cards. In fact a real heart is relatively amorphous in shape, relatively ugly, has a fat pad partially covering the coronary vessels that wrap around its outside and is capped off by a bunch of large flailing vascular pipes sticking out of its top. Then one day a girlfriend sent me a Valentine’s Day note in which she had placed a small cartoon figure of a woman lying on her back with her legs spread open. In the area where her genitals would ordinarily have appeared she had inked it over with the small red figurine of a heart; replete with a piercing Cupid’s arrow. That was when it dawned on me that perhaps there is something a little more subliminal in the heart shaped messages we see on this holiday. When I then objectively analyzed it more scientifically, I came to the conclusion that in fact there is physical evidence to support yet another yet more logical idea.

I realized that if you look at a woman from the rear; in certain conditions or positions, her buttocks actually can form the shape of a heart. Logically extending this argument, the same thing becomes applicable to both the female external genitalia as well as to the breasts. If you look at the genitalia from a certain perspective and if you also look at the breasts or buttocks upside down, both organs can often resemble the silhouette of a conventionally shaped heart. Also, in an effort to remain gender neutral on the subject, if one looks upside down at the glans of the male penis; this too is an anatomical structure that is formed in the shape of a conventionally rendered Valentines Day heart.

The real meaning then of the heart shaped messages we send out by the tons on Valentine’s Day may in fact be nothing more than a subliminal reference to sex and sexual attraction at the anatomical level as opposed to the emotional one. 


Happy Valentine’s Day: My Heart is in your Glands


Valentines Card 

Generic version


XXX Valentine

XXX versions

© Mark Hampton. The Art of Friendship by Duane Hampton
© Club Magazine


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