My First Girlfriend

My First Girlfriend 

There were two really enjoyable activities in Kindergarten. One was ‘Show and Tell’ and the other one was ‘Share Your Snacks.’

Show and Tell is an infantile way for children to begin socializing by sharing their innermost thoughts and secrets. Share Your Snacks was a way our kindergarten teacher got us to develop a sense of sharing our tangible possessions.

One day a girl in my class intercepted me before it was my turn to share snacks; to let me she had something she wanted to do a “show and tell”, but that it was a secret meant only for me.

She also asked me if I actually had the snacks and that if she told me her secret, would I give  them all to her. My mother had given me a box of Chocolate Babies specifically telling then me to share them with all the children, but feeling especially singled out and privileged to know the little girl’s secret, I readily agreed.

Taking me behind a bookcase she then asked me if I knew the difference between little boys and little girls. When I stated “No” she promptly pulled up her dress, gave me a point blank view of her genitalia along with a running commentary on its gross anatomical features, then made me show her mine so she could point out the differences. It was my first real education in gender differentiation and because she had fulfilled her part of the bargain I was forced to hand over the candy.

The teacher later asked my mother why I did not have anything to share that day and when the truth finally came out there was much commotion and quite a bit of hell to pay for it. The litany of lectures included rants about the sins of corruption, licentiousness, voyeurism, seduction, selfishness and exhibitionist nudity.

I have no doubt that the little girl had probably gotten candy out of some other boys than just me, and I can only imagine that the Principle of Seduction with it’s consequential rewards has carried her far along in her life.

As an adult, things have not changed too much. I still haven’t learned everything there is to know about gender differentials, although a friend who also happened to be a professional moneylender, a.k.a. Loan Shark, tried to explain it to me this way. When he asked me what I thought a man really wants in life, I told him I had once heard that it was only three things: a decent job, a woman who loves him, and friends who like and respect him.

He told me the only part I got right was that it was three things. Then he went on to say that he had made a career and a fortune out of the simple knowledge that what men really want in life are: Money, Cars, and Women. His business then, was to make available any or all of these three items to any desperate debtor, a first time car buyer or a select clientele of repeat customers for his prostitutes.

Then as far as women are concerned, he stated that understanding them is really quite simple. All a man needs to know is that a woman will only have sex with you for one of three reasons: If she likes you, if you pay for it, or if she is getting revenge against someone else…of either gender.

  • But, trust me on this one, Doc. The bottom line is that they are way less complicated than men because the only things they really want is Money, Cars, Clothes, and Jewelry. And if they get enough of that, most times they won’t even need no man anymore.

Life has subsequently become a little more complicated and it is certainly a rare woman these days that can be bribed into having sex with just a box of candy. Sometimes a two hundred dollar dinner at a fancy restaurant did not even have a seductive influence on my ex-wife.

But the overall principles as explained to me by the Loan Shark generally remain the same.


Chocolate babies

CHocolate babies

Candy man?

Been here and gone.

Candy man?

Been here and gone.

Candy man?

Been here and gone.

And if you won’t be my candy man

I won’t be your salty dog.

(Dave Van Ronk)


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