Oral sex

Pacemaker Sex

Pacemaker Sex

Getting fisted by the electronically paced flailing arms of a D.O.A. John Doe paled in comparison to what happened to my loan shark friend, Chubby.

One of his sideline enterprises was to pimp women to local clients including police officers, lawyers, bankers, and a few other unsavory fellow shysters. The women were not a consistent cadre of reliable girls from a “stable” but instead were usually indiscriminately pulled off the local sidewalks or out of grocery store parking lots.

For this reason, the women were also not consistently available, such that when something suddenly came up, he would place phone calls to line up the Johns.

He solicited sex from just about any woman he saw and when he scored would temporarily procure them for his client base until the women got tired of it or did not need the money anymore.

  • Doc, you can’t believe how many housewives are broke and what they’ll do for a buck, especially when economics is bad.

The going rate in the 1990s was about one hundred and three dollars an hour for intercourse and thirty-three dollars for oral sex, although he once got a staggering one thousand and three dollars out of a retired but impotent eighty-year old business tycoon and former CEO of a major US steel company who paid just to have the girl sit naked in a chair and talk to him for an hour. The arbitrary rounding on the price was based on a superstitious love of the number three.

Several years later, this same tycoon was indicted in an insurance fraud scheme in which he tried to smuggle a vintage Mercedes-Benz sport coupe out of the country after reporting it stolen; an act that everyone who knew him and how much money he was worth thought to be stupidly perplexing in its perverse logic.

Chubby said:

  • I don’t know, doc. It’s like he just got a soft spot in his brain.

Later in life, Chubby happened to have had a heart attack. Several years after the fact he then had an AICD (Automatic Implanted Cardiac Defibrillator) implanted for unexplained fainting that later turned out be related to poor blood flow in the posterior cerebral circulation. Even though the essential point was that implanting it was probably not necessary, it was done anyway because of uncertainty about the possibility of lethal ventricular arrhythmias. This underscores the fact that sometimes medicine, for all its sophistication is nothing better than a guessing game.

These electronic devices are set to deliver sequential shocks of about 15 to 30 joules of direct current internally to the heart which will reset the cardiac rhythm if a life threatening one is detected. The shock is not at all comfortable. It can also be felt by anyone who happens to grab hold of the victim who might be collapsing when the arrhythmia then secondarily causes his blood pressure to bottom out. Some spouses have stated they suffer from the guilty dilemma of deciding between letting their loved one fall down, as opposed to being exposed to the shared experience of internal electrocution. Personally, I thought the original contract called “For better or for worse.”

Chubby reluctantly accepted to have the implant but said he would feel much better about it if we were going to put in a pacemaker that would give him a permanent erection instead of an electrocution.

  • You doctors are all numb. Forget Viagra. With modern technology yez should be able to do a better job with boners.

One afternoon I received a frantic call from him. He said he wasn’t sure what had happened, but he thought his device had discharged.

  • Doc. I think my thing went off.

When I asked the circumstances, he said he had picked up a tried and true regular at the supermarket, a local housewife who had already been paid thirty-three dollars for blowjob.

As she was in the middle of the head-bob he said he was suddenly lifted two feet off the bed, that all he saw was a bright white light, and that his hair stuck straight out off his head. At the same time, the girl had been blasted and fell across the room, then banged her head on the bedroom door.

She got up screaming that he was a crazy demented pervert and what a shitty way that was get off, as she bounded out the door, following that diatribe with a statement that no matter what he might ever pay her, she was never coming back.

  • Doc. The woist part of it was I lost my thirty-three dollars and didn’t even get off. But oh, what a thrill!

As all the data is stored in memory, when one of these devices fires it is customary to interrogate it to see if the shock was appropriately sensing a real event.

So, when Chubby came to the office to let me look at it, I discovered that the trigger for the shock was a paroxysm of not a lethal ventricular tachycardia but rather a harmless one that had originated in the atrium. Perhaps the excitement had over stimulated his epinephrine producing adrenal glands as well as his testosterone loaded gonads.

The device was fooled into doing its job by a rapid heart rate that was associated with an abnormally wide configuration of its cardiac complexes. It was essentially acting appropriately in an inappropriate situation; as was the housewife whore when she perceived she was being perversely abused.

I felt compelled to share this story with a colleague at the specialty hospital I had customarily referred not only Chubby, but also numerous other cases for AICD implants. Although the implanting physician, Joe, was amused, he then told me he had a story that might be even better than mine.

He queried:

  • You know how the Japanese perfected the art of autoerotic asphyxiation?

With me answering in the affirmative, he then told me about the wife of one of his patients who had brought that art-form to a new escalated jaded height. He said her affect was a little rough around the edges. She also tipped the scales at an estimated 250 lbs.

Apparently, her husband had suffered a heart attack, and then required an AICD implanted, but because of his relative debilitation, along with a lack of stamina she became accustomed to screwing him in the female-on-top sexual position.

On one occasion, the device discharged but instead of reacting negatively this woman immediately derived a great deal of pleasure from the experience. I suppose it was like having a mini electric socket inserted into the vagina, which in her mind was better than any orgasm she could achieve by using a conventional AA battery powered vibrator. Or perhaps her blubber not only attenuated electricity but then also made her threshold for sexual stimulation much higher than that of her average contemporaries.

But the perverse thing about the whole scenario was that the woman then educated herself about shocking devices. Then each time she went with her husband to the clinic to have his device was checked, she would beg the doctor to turn down the rate sensor on the AICD, so that there would be a greater probability of the thing going off when she climbed on top to rev up the sex.

So here is this poor bastard with a bad heart to begin with, losing consciousness as his heart is fibrillating, while he is getting jolted; simultaneously his lovely fat wife also gets a DC shock jolt as she sinks into the stirrups to giddy-up the old dying horse. If nothing else, at least this was a clear-cut situation of her ability to turn the worse for him toward the better for herself: A classic combination of both positive and negative feedback loops.

Not only does it go to show that everyone has a different threshold for pain, but also gives great credence to the aphorism: To each his own.

I said to my colleague, Joe:

  • Yes. In the category of interesting clinical pacemaker anecdotes; you win the gold medal.





The Dumbing of America

The Dumbing of America

America’s school systems are in a sad state of neglect. Teacher’s salaries pitifully average about $45,000 nationwide, inspiration is generally lacking, tenure assures that mediocre teachers remain that way, while school authorities, being handcuffed, are no longer respected and can no longer stand in as ‘locum parentis’.

This is an extension of the fact that many homes are controlled, not by parents, but by children who can no longer be subjected to traditional methods of discipline because they might be emotionally scarred by over use of the word ‘no.’ This is not to mention the fact that a child can no longer be slapped, punished, scolded or taught reasonable manners. In many households the tail wags the dog.

Poor students are promoted through each grade simply to get them out of school; whereas at the same time their peers ridicule the National Honor Society students.

Mediocrity is accepted as a new scholastic standard and some schools have abandoned advanced classes because the other students who do not qualify to be in them might feel emotionally diminished. Common Core is a mockery of real education; and a system in which students can even opt out of taking tests.

Guns, knives and drugs are typical playground fare and teenaged girls give blowjobs to their boyfriends because they learned from President Clinton that this does not really count as being “Sex.”

Several years ago (1990s) the United States was almost forced to allow work visas for up to 75,000 foreign computer technicians because internally our own citizens could not supply the demand. Some of these entry-level jobs had starting salaries as high as $90,000 per year. The workers came from India, Pakistan, Japan and Korea; countries where academic excellence is lauded and where summer vacations usually do not exist. These countries believe that school, like real life, is a year-round job. This is not to mention the fact that these immigrants are fluent in English; whereas our illegal Hispanic immigrants are pandered to in their native language making for  yet just one more classroom distraction.

U.S. inner city ghetto schools suffer the most because of poor infrastructure, poor facilities and hostile environments both for serious students as well as for their teachers.

America’s high school drop out rates run as high as 32 % with a rate as high as 50% for pockets of certain black and Hispanic populations. The national illiteracy rate, as defined by the ability to read and comprehend at a sixth grade level varies from 18% to as high as 42%.

College Board scores have shown a recent trend to drop. Many after-school athletic programs have either been abandoned because of potential legal liabilities and the cost to cover it, or because they can simply no longer be supported financially.

When my stepson, now a College graduate, was in tenth grade, he had to pay for intramural Junior varsity tennis while her daughter had to endure being in a class with an ADD child, who had to go to school accompanied by an attendant. Instead of being farmed out to a special needs school the child constantly disrupted the class with inane outbursts that destroyed the learning experience for the rest of the normal children.

You see, “everybody is somebody.” Everybody gets a prize or a medal. The problem is that everybody is simply just not the same.

Then god forbid we might risk the learning disabled becoming more “stigmatized” by being placed in a special education environment where they really belong and can actually be significantly helped.

Both of my wife’s children also had to pay a fee to ride on the big orange school busses, all of which makes one wonder where the exorbitant property taxes, supposedly earmarked primarily for schools really goes. So much for taxes; and so much for getting an education along with the opportunity to become a better, more well-rounded citizen.

The blue-collar workforce becomes infused with such mediocre talent that even. Store tellers cannot make change unless it is automatically done on a register. They seem completely baffled if you pay for a $10.32 item by handing over $21.00, cannot do the mental math, and sometimes do not even know how to enter it so that the mini artificial brain can do it for them.

The radio host rush Limbaugh is right when he states that in reference to undergraduate schools we have chosen to lower the level of the water rather than to raise the height of the bridge.

Unfortunately, America is supporting an intellectual vacuum for its children. There is no excuse for this and reflects poorly on governmental agency’s inability to prioritize its spending. The country can spend billions on wars and foreign aid that is hardly justified, while the rotting educational and transportation infrastructure languishes. On a small scale, there are about 16 million students going to college annually in the United States. The average cost of tuition to a State school is about 17 to 25 thousand dollars. The average cost of one nuclear powered aircraft carrier is 762 million dollars. This means that for the cost of just one big boat alone, all the children currently in state colleges could be supported for 2.8 years of education.

Imagine then what could be done with just a fraction of the total U.S. defense spending.

Along with this if there was anything of real value that minority leaders in this country could do for their constituents, it would be to absolutely ensure that the people they purport to represent at least graduate high school, stop speaking Ebonics and dress in a way that would make a corporate executive be proud to interview them.

Then at the next level, besides funneling ignorance out of the high schools and into the general population base, some adults have become adept at internet based knowledge, which only makes them masters at inductive reasoning. This is the proverbial “know it all” that epitomizes the proverb: A little knowledge can truly be a dangerous thing. Unfortunately, there seems to be one in every crowd. Rote inaccuracy often becomes quoted as irrefutable truth, while at the same time the equally ignorant company that it keeps, tends to stupidly agree.

Bill Clinton states on national television that:

  • I never had sex with that woman… Monica Lewinsky.

The overweight, redneck beer guzzler watching an NFL game with his friends says:

  • Same thing happened to me once. I stuck it in her. Then I moved it back and forth a few times. But I never really fucked her.

The redneck was referring to a one-night stand. What he failed to realize was that Bill Clinton, in furtively speaking directly to Monica, was referring to his own wife, Hillary.

Another typical example would be that if you have an ache in your chest, you can dial up Web MD and give yourself any diagnosis from a heart attack to heart burn. Then depending on your personal interpretation of the facts and symptoms you can either be self cured or risk dropping dead. A housewife, cum registered nurse, could either take her husband to an emergency room or just give him a slug of Maalox. Aside from her deduced Internet based opinion, her treatment may also depend then on either how smart or cunning she really is; which then entirely defaults to how much she actually likes him. A sad little Maalox widow indeed.

I have had patients tell me in all sincerity that it is the glue in cigarette paper that causes lung cancer and that pasteurized milk is a government conspiracy because the pasteurization process is what makes the milk cause hardening of the arteries. In the latter case I was informed that only un-pasteurized milk could safely be consumed, which this person did by the gallon, and then went on several years later to die prematurely of a massive heart attack. Forget the calcium and fat problem in whole milk. What about the myriad bacteria, including the bovine tuberculosis organism that thrive in milk, but can be attenuated by simple mild heating.

The process was not invented because someone was bored and liked to boil milk for kicks. People actually used to get sick and then die from drinking raw milk.

Yet another great modern phenomenon is that of the unqualified person of little or no experience or talent who wants to join an organization or a corporation, but believes he should start at the top. This is the person who honestly has such a high self-opinion, that he should be exempted from climbing the ordinary “reward for performance” organizational corporate ladder: The proverbial “legend in his own mind.”

  • Yeah. If I was the CEO of General Motors, I’d know how to fix that bankruptcy problem.

Want ad: GM Position: CEO. Apply here. Absolutely no experience needed

Then lest we forget the so called ‘news analyst,’ better defined as being a person who knows nothing about everything. I wonder why night after night this country has to be subjected to the monologues of individuals who come without credentials or portfolio but who feel compelled to tell us the truth about news and world affairs; only as they happen to see it. One man’s opinion of moonlight becomes labeled as daily media gospel.

It is only regretful that all my relatives who sat around the Christmas table debating the merits of pricking a roast or not to see if it was medium-rare, did not have access to Google. They could have easily resolved the dilemma and then moved on to yet another mindless argument about yet some more trivial nonsense such as the great debate about whether lettuce tastes better if it is pulled apart with the fingers as opposed to cutting it up with a knife.

John Lawton was correct when he stated that; “the irony of the information age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion.”

In the current information/ technology era we have become a nation of armchair experts, unqualified want-to-bes, and partially literate yet authoritative half educated nitwits.

Here are just a few inane quotes I picked up here and there

  • “If I was not entirely tone deaf, then I would have perfect pitch;” said the contestant on American Idol.
  • “I thought Europe was a country;” said Kellie Pickler on the TV show, Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader.
  • “Don’t go into the woods next to the driveway. You might get poison ivory or poison shumack;” said my wildlife expert, Aunt Rose.
  • “Don’t swim in the ocean right after you eat, or you might sink to the bottom and drown in the under-toad,” said my scientifically sophisticated cousin.
  • “Yuhs two should stop buggin’ me and don’t aks me no more questions. Your refund is a mute point anyways,” said the irritated counter clerk.
  • “Waiter, could you please bring me a schtraw,” said my thirsty English language murdering first wife.
  • “I got kicked so hard in my groan, I can’t stand up,” moaned the NFL tackle.
  • “My momma got die-a-betes so bad the doctah sayed it was almos tri-a-betes,” said the concerned ghetto dwelling son.
  • “That’s a violation of my Silver rights,” said the freedom marcher.
  • “My Florida Gators team is superb to yours,” said Congresswoman Corrine Brown
  • “In retro-respect, I was wrong.” Said the Black State Missouri Representative.
  • “I would be King, too. If I had balls;” said the Queen.



Ignorance is bliss.

But only if you keep it to yourself.



Postcard produced for MotherNature.com by
© www.maxracks.com